Log in

Previous Entry | Next Entry

I haven't done a proper update for ages, I was thinking about this in the middle of the night and couldn't sleep, and I decided that although I love this journal and reading and thinking, I use it for communities mostly, and of course reading individual friends posts, I don't feel like I have anything I want to contribute to it personally. All my life seems too trite and routine, and all I really have to say is moaning, so despite me being here often, I rarely feel the need to actually speak. So many people on here are better versions of me, there's not really a reason for me to say anything. More and more I get anxious about what I put on the internet, even in a locked, more anonymous place, and I feel like I would rather tell one person than everyone. I have always been controlling in this way but I get paranoid about everything too so it's worse. I am almost certain most of the people I know on here have long left too which makes me sad as I felt we had stuff in common and they interested me. I hate how people disappear from my life so often. I wonder about what happens to them for years after, I never forget anyone but they walk away and forget me so easily. We all grow up and get other priorities I know but I mourn the loss of old friendships often.
I don't really have much news, again I wonder if it's appropriate to post loads of stuff about my child or my health or books that everyone else has already read and written better about than me... but I am still reading everything on here and am glad to read posts from everyone.


( 23 comments — Leave a comment )
Nov. 29th, 2014 10:22 am (UTC)
I don't think there are any rules on what is appropriate to post on here - my friends list is full of all kinds of topics, some mundane, some deep, some very personal... Just write whatever you feel like writing. & even if you might not feel your experience is that unique, it is - because everyone's is. I like reading about other people's lives because of just that: they're not my own. My life is pretty trite and routine too but I write here because I enjoy it, & it makes me feel connected with people - I figure if they don't want to read it they can just scroll past!


P.S. Letter is on its way!
Nov. 30th, 2014 12:19 am (UTC)
Thank you for the help honey, I will try and write more, I'm just not sure what about exactly, but I need to try a bit harder to be a part of it all. I do much more commenting on other people these days. I don't really have anything like proper opinions or ideas and not liking conflict I can't deal with disagreement with them if I put them out there.
I read your post and I'm sorry about your bad luck and upcoming visit! At least she comes around, unlike some people I could mention that only live 10 minutes away... even if it makes things harder rather than easier, sympathy there!
I am looking forward to my letter, maybe Monday or Tuesday I reckon, yey. I am currently up to date with my letters so should be able to get straight back to you really.
Loads of love and hugs xxx
Nov. 30th, 2014 12:20 pm (UTC)
I can relate so much, feeling like there is nothing special about me that I can share that someone else hasn't already experienced on a larger scale. Like what do I have to offer?

It's easy to feel this way. I know for me, part of the illnesses I have (avoidant personality disorder, social anxiety, depression, eating disorders) involve relentless comparing of myself to others and always I see myself as inferior, no matter how many tests I have nailed or goals I have met. I always downplay those too.

But something about journaling is so releasing. Seeing your own truths come alive in words. Owning them, owning your feelings. Those words are yours and yours alone. No one can take away from your experience, what makes you you.

And it always amazes me how even though so many of us communicate mostly by email or forums or journals, I can still pick out individual characteristics and stuff that makes each person unique and stand out. You are so nonjudgmental and so kind and uplifting of others. And so so vulnerable. I always want to hug you. We are all special in our own way. I really look forward to reading more of your journal!
Nov. 30th, 2014 11:23 pm (UTC)
It's a shame you feel this way, really, in my eyes you are a brilliant, intelligent person, I wish you could feel it too because I would literally read your shopping list, I love your writing that much. You certainly have ample love to give and plenty of thoughts and ideas worth sharing, in my opinion. I will continue to at least try to update though and remember your advice as I hate myself for having to dig into my skull to find any words worth saying at all. I have less problems writing letters though, I think typing might stunt me a bit.
I came close to crying reading your comment, you are so kind. I would love a silent2long hug and certainly make sure you felt warm and safe in my hug back. Be strong and also well done on your thanksgiving meal, it looked truly divine! It's a good job I wasn't invited I would have ate everyone's portion haha.
Loads of love, hope Monday is kind to you and you are too. xxxx
Nov. 30th, 2014 11:52 pm (UTC)
Silent2long! It's been so long since I last saw you I worry about you girl! Xx hope your well
Dec. 1st, 2014 12:27 am (UTC)
Thanks bluedragonfly95! I am doing ok. Struggling with some depression and stress with a new job. I finally finished school and graduated, landed a medical coding job, passed my RHIT certification and should be thrilled I have gotten everything I worked for. But you know the old ED always plagues me. And anxiety that I am not doing a good enough job at my new position. I have had so little time to write on LJ. Life has been crazy busy and I am still getting used to working full time (plus my daily morning gym routine which takes almost two hours and then mental health group and other stuff). I miss all my friends on LJ! How are you doing? Good to hear from you!
Dec. 1st, 2014 01:52 am (UTC)
I'm so glad to hear you passed your schooling! I know that was a big thing for you (as it should be). I'm sad to hear your not coping to well but I suppose that goes hand in hand with mental health issues all you gotta do is get back up on the horse and keep riding. I just got out of hospital on Tuesday for my ed again hopefully for the last time but we all know how many times I've said that and landed myself back into hospital only two weeks later. I finally got off my section two weeks ago! So I'm finally a free women I feel so liberated but so does my anorexia :/. I'm looking at going back to school next year moving and there's even a guy on the scene again we have our first date on Saturday eep
Dec. 2nd, 2014 02:56 am (UTC)
I hope you find a way to beat your disorder at least enough so you can go back to school and have a good life for yourself! And best wishes on your date! It's so good to hear you are still trying despite all your setbacks!
Dec. 2nd, 2014 08:01 am (UTC)
Thankyou for your well wishes I'm hoping scho will give me something more to focus on
Nov. 30th, 2014 11:51 pm (UTC)
I thought I'd give you a shout out as I remember you! I've been here for 2-3yrs now? It nice to see a familiar face around this place xx
Dec. 1st, 2014 10:53 pm (UTC)
Hi honey, I know you too, nice to see you and a treat to have someone new post on my journal, I mostly get ignored haha! I have had an account here for ages but don't use it much these days beyond reading, I'm aiming to try harder to write more though. Thank you for popping by and saying hello, it's nice. I hope you're continuing the fight and feel good today. I'm excited by the idea of you and a beautiful boy, it could be just what you need to have a new focus so long as he's a good one. I'm glad you have positive future plans too, fight for them and life will be wonderful. xxxx
Dec. 2nd, 2014 02:30 am (UTC)
I try to make everyone feel included. I'm guilty of being more a reader and poster when in dire straights. Your more then welcome. I hope he's a good one I've only ever had ones that lead me on make me feel good then year me down. Xx
Dec. 4th, 2014 11:00 pm (UTC)
Well I for one appreciate feeling included, I find things very difficult and communication is not my strong point. I'm really happy for you that you have some positivity this week, long may it continue. Stay strong and I hope you know I'm here for you if you need any advice or support any time, ever. xxx

Edited at 2014-12-04 11:02 pm (UTC)
Dec. 4th, 2014 11:53 pm (UTC)
I think we all like being included. Communication isn't my strong point either I'm very shy. Thankyou we are now bf and gf as of yesterday! :D I am so happy! Many thanks I'm here for you too! Xx
Dec. 6th, 2014 11:35 pm (UTC)
Same, shy and on the autistic spectrum doesn't equal someone most people want to put the effort into talking to. I also have some opinions that aren't mainstream so I end up offending people and not realising.
I am really happy for you that you've bagged yourself a beautiful man! Just do what feels right and only when it feels right and talk and listen as much as you can, that's my advice for any new relationship. I'm sure it will be good for the self esteem, I have found a place where I hate myself but can accept other people see me differently even if just because they don't know me as well as I do, and it helps to remember that and know I'm not utterly unloveable.
Here for you, keep smiling special xxx
Dec. 7th, 2014 02:08 am (UTC)
Thankyou this is good advice
Nov. 30th, 2014 11:56 pm (UTC)
Hey you should just post whatever and whenever!!! its no worries
Dec. 1st, 2014 10:49 pm (UTC)
Thank you honey I really try and batter down my anxieties but they just keep eating me. I wish the voices would shut up and let me post like a normal person! I hope you're okay and feeling Christmassy xxxx
Dec. 2nd, 2014 10:17 pm (UTC)
you can get there :)

its christmas!!!! and things are going ok so can't complain
Dec. 4th, 2014 01:52 am (UTC)
I haven't left here. Well, I did for a bit but not intentionally - just somehow not had the time although I couldn't say what I've been doing. I lost your letter halfway through writing it because my house is such chaos but I found it earlier today so I'll finish it tomorrow and get it in the post. Hope you've been doing ok lovely xx
Dec. 4th, 2014 11:25 pm (UTC)
So good to have contact with you again sweetie, I've missed you every day. And I was so happy to read your post too, hearing you so positive and focused made me more than happy. I will properly inform you on the details via letter but things here are much the same, busy preparing for xmas, madly buying gifts and generally cleaning and doing the school run and being really busy. Tired out!
Loads of love always xxxx
Dec. 14th, 2014 05:10 am (UTC)
I'm so sorry I've been out of touch for so long, Helen. Please know that I think of you a lot. Things get more and more overwhelming for me each year, unfortunately, and I've had two pretty overwhelming things happen in the past two (my mom almost dying, and getting in a car accident myself). I feel terrible that I don't have time for the things I used to have time for. I hope someday you can forgive me.
Dec. 14th, 2014 11:21 pm (UTC)
Great to hear from you my sweet, no need to feel so sad, there's nothing to forgive. I figured you were busy, enjoying your relationship and out living life and no one needs to apologise for those things. Of course I am still here and always up for a chat or letter or whatever but if not then I do keep up to date reading your entries here and am glad you are in love and music and writing are playing such a large part in your life these days. Life moves on but you are special forever, to me anyway. xxx
( 23 comments — Leave a comment )