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Baby Evie and Helen and Liam






(sorry for crap quality, they're off my phone)

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Moan moan moan, shite shite shite


My copy of Waxing Gibbous hasn't turned up yet, I'm gutted.  I keep trying to distract myself to see if the postperson will bring it and they haven't.  I need it, it's like, the only thing I'm looking forward to or something.  Gutted.  I have been listening to some other Malcolm to get me in the swing of things, and keep having the following lyrics run round my crazy stupid head:
Some people hate me so I follow their lead
You know I swim but I'm drinking to drown
I can't fall over or be pushed if I lay myself flat on the ground
No one can love me or find me attractive if I always play ugly and thick
No one can leave me, hurt me, chuck me,
No one can make me sick.
My ugly face is jealous and look what I've become
My life is closed to the people I love
I'm a bum, bum, bum
So I stare at the curtains with a broken brain
If it's all the same I'd like to start living it up, take some chances.
That is so my life.  Malcolm you star, I want to write and sing like you.  WG is meant to be really dark and misery-bound, right up my street.  To the people I write to, expect a copy coming your way when I eventually get it!
I had a nice day yesterday.  I went to have my bloods done so that's sorted (results Friday) and then on to my meal with work.  I found out that a lot of the disability service are veggie and vegan so that was nice.  It just goes to show the right people work there, people who care about people and animals.  At first I was shy and awkward, but I got drunk and it was ok.  I also dined with the mayor of Cardiff and his wife so that was cool.  We didn't win the overall prize but it was a good freebie and I had a nice time.  Then I went over my sisters and we watched tv and had a good moan and chat and debate, all very fun.  I came home and did some chores, watched Hollocks (that's Holly Oaks, for those that don't know, a God-awful British soap I'm addicted to- I call it Hollocks because the acting and story-lines leave a lot to be desired!!) and also a programme about a stuck up cunt of a 16 year old composer trying to find child prodigies to play his stupid music.  I don't get child prodigies at all, because eventually they just become adults that are good at something, the whole idea that they're a child is what sells them.  I think a lot of them have parents with waaay too much time on their hands and put totally unrealistic pressure on their children.  It makes me sad.  I myself was told I had a genius IQ as a child, and pushed by my teachers (not parents, they're better people than that) to do all these wonderful things with my life.  Never happened though, because the pressure was too much and I fell emotionally to the point where I couldn't do anything.  If I was stronger I could be a professor at Oxford now, as it is I'm just a waste of space unemployed pointless weirdo.  You can't help what you become when you learn from a young age that even your best isn't good enough.
Today is another waste of time, mostly involving cleaning and hanging around the house, reading Hannibal Rising and doing crosswords.  Still haven't written that poem.  Who am I to sit down and write when I haven't even stood up to live, to steal a paraphrase.  Oh well, one day the words will come pouring out, just, like, when I'm a better person or something.
We'll finish today with a quote that can be just about applied to anything political, but in my mind it reminds me of the Holocaust of both people and animals:
*All that is needed for evil to succeed is, that decent human beings do nothing* -Edmund Burke
 
Liam's sister had a baby this morning!  She is called Evie and is all small and very well.  I'm going to see her this afternoon, I'm so happy for them.  I haven't had a go on a one morning old newborn for years!  Yey!
It's my sister Eve's birthday today as well, so that's nice that they share a name (nearly) and birthday.  She's going to Monkey World.  I sent her some stuff that you buy for pregnant people as she's currently about 5 months gone - some organic vegan bubble bath for mum and baby to bath together in, and a book of 'mock-tails' which are alcohol free cocktails made of superfoods for baby and mum.  Eventually managed to motivate myself to order them, I always meet deadlines in the end...it's why I was such a good student.
I've just done some cleaning this morning and generally looked forward to seeing the baby.  I spoke to my mum and my dad's doing good in the hospital so all is well really, or good enough to distract me from my disasterous home life anyway!
Still haven't finished Hannibal Rising.  I've gone from caning the books every day to having no motivation or concentration.  It'll return when my mood picks up but I'm gutted.  Also, I've been watching through Black Books instead of gawping at Big Brother, go me!  Most years I end up watching it due to boredom, but I'm determind not to bother this year unless there really is nothing else on.  We'll see how I do...I will probably be hooked in a few weeks so don't hold me to this!  There's no one in there this year that particularly inspires me, except, I think she's called Sophia or something, who is into animal rights.  Yey for one of us in the house!  I'll have to look out at mealtimes if/when I watch and see if she's veg-tastic or whether she preaches one thing and does another, conveniently forgetting that it IS cruelty to animals to pay for them to be sent to the horrible slaughterhouse and put their dead bodies in your mouth, let alone the conditions they live in before that happens.  If I was an animal living like that, the slaughterhouse would be a welcome relief.  Rant over, she says, as she braces herself for the inevitable comment backlash of people telling me the opposite.  I love how livejournal is meant for comment and opinions and rantings and everyone always says to me 'write what you want, it's your journal' and when I do those same people jump down my throat!  No disrespect for anyone here, I love you all, and debate is healthy, and I don't expect anyone/everyone to agree with me on anything because I'm just a strange hippy with idealistic views, but it is one of the ironies of this place that makes me laugh.
My copy of Waxing Gibbonous should be here tomorrow, BRING IT ON.  I'll have something to dron my misery in then!  I've also got to go for a meal and have bloods taken at the doctors and go down my sisters, busy day!
Well, I'm a miserable cow at the moment.  Life is hard and horrible for the most part.  But I am distracting myself, trying to keep it together, all that stuff, and it has worked from hour to hour.  I wish someone could just come into my body and take over and sort everything out that I seem unable to do.  I need a support worker.  I need a hug that means something.
I haven't been reading too much, still on Hannibal Rising.  I'd heard it was the worst of the bunch, and it is, but it's still really, really good.  In a way I'm enjoying it more because it's more psychological and you can read more into the events that happen.  But I've been neglecting my reading the past few days and done lots more cleaning.  Well, you can never have the house too perfect can you, and also, I've done a lot of word puzzles.  I just want my brain to be able to manipulate words into power and inspiration and honesty, but I'm just crap.  Needless to say, I plan to write a poem this afternoon, and post it online for some poor fucker to read and probably and rightly have a good laugh at me.  We'll see how it pans out, I may not write a word.  My writing has somewhat deteriorated recently and it's all so self centred, sickening.  Hell, I don't even like myself, why can I not stop writing about me?!
Today there is rain for the first time in days, the cats aren't happy but I kind of like it.  Any excuse to stay in the house all day and do hobbies and stuff.  I play the Smiths and Godly Jeffy and wander round looking for things to do to exhaust me enough so I can sleep and wake up and do it all again tomorrow.  What kind of life is this?  Shouldn't I be better spending my time?  I don't know what to do.  If I relax I'll lose my motivation and something bad might happen if I take my eye off the control I have over everything.
What else is there to say?  Everything and nothing I expect.  Not sure what the point of this all was except distraction from writing a poem, sorry.
Sorry for the general lack of updates, I am here and still fighting it, just been busy and/or enjoying the sunshine.  I used to have so much internet time when I was actually working, whereas now I have to grab the odd 5 minutes here and there.  I haven't even ordered my sister's birthday present for the weekend.  I am a terrible sister!
Yesterday I went for a job interview.  It seemed to be good, they seemed to like me and we got on well.  I guess the only reason I won't get the job is if someone better came through the door with more experience, because on my part I actually didn't fuck it up for once.  Well, I'm still haunted by what I could/should have said, but I'm trying not to think about it because that way lies madness and self hate, and who wants to go there?  Just keep busy and pretend I didn't go, blank it out and get on with all the other million things I need to do.  That's my life, just one big distraction from the truth.  I'd like the job.  It's for a management postition in a house with people with learning difficulties and mental health problems.  Talk about the blind leading the blind!  What I'd do with all that money every month certainly confuses me though!  If I get it I'll never have earned half as much.
Other than that, I've been in the house trying to do cheap/free things.  I read a few books, getting through one every other day at the moment, which is good.  At the moment I'm reading a Judy Bloom book I had lying around that reminds me of my childhood.  Like, the main character is 10!  Oh to be10 again!  Especially with all the knowledge I have now!  Although saying that I wouldn't want to do my teenage years again for any money.
On Sunday I went over Debs for some tea, and to eat all her junk food.  Kulabeth also popped along which was great, she is a lovely girl.  I never really have girl-friends, I guess cos I've got my sisters I never bother much with girls, I just make friends with boys because I have no brothers, to fill that gap.  Not that I do it at all intentionally, it just happens that way.  So it's nice to have a lush cat loving girly like her to chat to.  She showed my her 'happy book' that was a real thing of beauty.  Maybe I'll nick the idea and make one of my own!
I've been kind of devoid of energy, I guess because the job interview was a big thing and took lots of nervous and emotional energy to complete, but today I feel a bit better so I have done some housework and generally hung around the house catching up with things.  How come I get nothing done but always feel so busy?  I guess my priorities are wrong.  I'll add that to the list of things that need sorting out....!

How does it feel to be on your own?

I had a good weekend all in all.  My parents were down and it was hard hard work, as they are, but totally worth it.  On Saturday I went food shopping and spend a fortune, and then the rents came over and we sat and watched tv and ate food and then my mum went to see John Barrowman while I looked after daddy.  Mum had the best time, she totally loved it and came in full of smiles and happiness.  Debbie came over and we had a good old chat as we do.
On Sunday I got up at half ten because I couldn't sleep the night before.  I went downstairs to find my mum writing a shopping list and saying 'We're having a BBQ tonight, I'm off to Tesco to get supplies, ring all your friends!' so I was like, umm ok, and organised myself to do all the housework, get myself washed and dressed, and help making all the salads and stuff.  It was so exhausting, I really didn't stop all day.  I did manage to watch 'Inside the Smiths' the documentary as I was working, which was really good, and my dad loved it.  I made him cut the grass because I didn't have time to do it.  At 5, Liam's very pregnant sister, her husband, their daughter, his mum and dad, Debbie and Marcus and Neil turned up and I ran around after Katie for hours, she is such a joy!  We played with one of the cats balls, chased each other around, walked up and down the stairs counting and sang the Wheels on the Bus many times.  It was good fun, the happiness of being 3 is actually priceless.  I ate loads of salad and ever so many blueberries, raspberries and strawberries to the point where the sugar rush actually hurt.  It was yummy though and all in all it went well.   I like impromptu parties because if I have time to think about them, they just stress me out.  I think everyone had a good time.
Yesterday I was knackered so I just had a clean round, wrote a bit , did crosswords and read Hannibal while smoking many cigarettes.  I'm on about the last 100 pages of it now, and it's really good.  I'll be sad when the series finishes and I have no more serial killer fiction of the Thomas Harris variety to get through.  He's a very intelligent writer.  Bastard.

Do you know how animals die?

Over heard in the student's union today:

"I hate cruelty to animals.  I saw a man hitting a donkey with a lead pole in Morrocco and I went up to him and had a go at him, everyone thought I was crazy"

I would have gone up and personally shook the girl's hand, but the irony is she was eating a meat sandwich at the time.


I've had a hell of a week with work, loads and loads of it.  It's been good though, as I've mostly been invigilating exams for students, which involves me sitting around reading my book.  I read over 300 pages of Hannibal in 2 days, very productive.  A job where I could read my book all day would be heaven for me, really.  It's just long boring hours and I can't smoke as much as I'd like, plus an hour and a half there and back, endless waiting for buses, it seems I've spent my last week just waiting for other people.  I'm in work now, and luckily I wrap up early so hopefully I can get home and start my weekend.  My parents are coming down as my mum is going to see John Barrowman sing in the CIA (that's the Cardiff International Arena for you non-Welshies that think it's the American CIA!) so I get to look after daddy.  Should be good.  I'll have to be on best behaviour though, can't have them realising I'm a fuck up with nothing going for me now can I?!  I'm sure they always wanted me to be perfect and, of course, happy.  What parent doesn't want their child to grow up happy?  It's like, the main reason people parent so hard.  I can't even get that right for them.  Fail.
I've done a lot of writing, which has been great.  Most days I live for a chance to put pen to paper, so it's no chore.  I got a load of new penpals so I'll get more mail because letters make me very happy.  They certainly make up for my lack of actual friends.  Although saying that, I did see lovely Neil this week, he brought me a big bunch of tulips in all different colours because he "thought you might be feeling a bit down" and I nearly cried, they are beautiful.  Currently sat on my dining room table looking lush.  I'm a lucky girl.
Hannibal is going well, I'll be sad to finish the series in a way, they've been a good read.  All I've got left to read is Hannibal Rising now so that'll be a library job when I actually get 5 minutes, it's been kind of busy with work and everything.
Not a lot else to report, I haven't even done much cleaning or listening to Godly Jeff because I haven't been in the house.  Going to apply for some more jobs and think about phoning the dentist but probably not do it.  I've got  a lot to sort out, which is typical as I have little time.
I'm still loving my new hair, that's a good thing.  I took Debs down the salon too last week and she's had hers done too, it looks pretty.
My friend copied me 'Inside the Smiths' yesterday, so when I get home I'm going to check that out, it's bound to add some joy to my day.  Then I'm going to write back to ofragilesanityo and put the hoover round.

(that's not what I'm in it for)

 Survey stolen from Leskedrikk

Two Names You Go By
1. Helen
2. Fawn

Two Things That Scare You
1. Applying for jobs
2. The dentist

Two of Your Everyday Essentials
1. Moisturiser
2. Cuddles with my kitties

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now
1. Red Hello Kitty Jumper
2. Black stone-washed skinny jeans

Two of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists (at the moment)
1. (the Godly) Jeffrey Lewis
2. Malcolm Middleton

Two of Your Favorite Songs - at the moment
1. Don't Let the Record Label Take You Out for Lunch - Jeff Lewis
2. A Moaning Shite - Malcolm Middleton

Two Truths
1. I hate fake people but I'm so totally fake happy a lot of the time
2. It's up to you to change your life and my life's up to me

Two Physical Things that Appeal to You
1. Big eyes full of emotion
2. Strong sexy legs on a man!

Two of Your Favorite Hobbies
1. Finding great song lyrics, learning them, and living my life by them
2. Anything relating to holding a pen and words coming out - notebook, letters, that novel I'm always starting and always giving up on.

Two Things You Want Really Badly
1. A new job doing something helpful
2. Malcolm's new single Red Travelling Socks (and the album when it's out in 2 weeks!)

Two Places You Want to go on Vacation
1. Egypt
2. Iceland

Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die
1. Have a real relationship with Jeffy Lewis
2. Inspire people with my writing

Two Ways that you are stereotypically a Chick/Guy
1. I have long-ish hair with hairclips in it
2. I love the colour pink

Two Things You Normally Wouldn't Admit
1. I am a miserable cow
2. I like Girls Aloud

Two Things You Are Thinking About Now
1. "Another cigarette?  But you've only just had one!"
2. "Not matter what the situation, art, love, occupation, I'll hold off on the  hors d'oeuvres, that's not what I'm in it for, 
I only want what I deserve, I want no less, I want no more" (lyrics that keep going round and round in my head)
 

Two Stores You Shop At
1. Beanfreaks (the health food shop)
2. Spillers Records

Two people I haven't talked to in a while
1. Fran, my friend from long ago who I lost contact with.  I've even considered joining evil facebook just to find her
2. Lauren, my childhood friend that buggered off one day never to speak to me again.

Two people I would like to see take this quiz
1. No pressure
2. You choose if you've got the time/energy!

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Not a lot to report really.  I've been in the house because it's cold and wet outside, but that suits me fine, who wants to go out into the big wide world?  It's only miserable and full of wankers!  I've mostly been writing endless letters, cleaning, and reading a lot.  Now I'm reading That Went Well, about caring for a sister with a mental health problem (true story).  It's great but I'm looking to finish it in less than 12 hours.  My reading is really coming along.  The rest of the time I'm endlessly listening to Jeff and sending out copies to everyone so they can understand me, and love it too.  It means so much to me.
I keep having crazy dreams and I keep sleeping a lot.  Nothing better to do really.  And I've got a lot of work to do next week so I need to build up my sleep reserves for then. 
As I said, not a lot to say.  I'm looking forward to the local elections next month, although the only leaflets I've had through my door are UKIP and the evil BNP so I'm not yet totally decided who I'll vote for.  It depends if there are any far left parties on the ballot paper, if not I guess it'll be the Lib Dems.  Talk about making the best of a bad bunch.  On the BNP leaflet you can sign up for an 'information pack'.  You have no idea how tempting it is to sign up a mate and let them get loads of right wing propaganda through the door.  Heeheehee.  But I won't because I'm just too bloody nice.
As I said, not a lot to say.  Have I Got News For You was great things week, I laughed for the first time in months.  Go Rolf Harris, I never realised he was so funny.

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