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Thought I'd come on here and have a moan, because, like, everything sucks.
Felt rubbish last night, had a good cry, it didn't help.  Watched tv in bed, fell asleep, woke up feeling a bit better.  Came downstairs to make a cuppa to find a bank statement in my porch.  Read it, got sad again.  Liam got up, started moaning.  More crying, more feeling terrible.  Texted a few people, tried to organise my friends to come over tonight so I can get wasted, have some hugs and generally feel better.  I believe in helping yourself when you feel shite and not just moaning about it.  Went food shopping with money I don't have.  Came home, hoovered, washed up, cleaned the bathroom, all that nonsense.  Got bored.  Attempted to read, couldn't concentrate.  Ditto with writing a letter.  Played Jeff's Crass Songs and realised I don't love him any more, it was only good when only I liked him, now everyone else does I can't be bothered.  I get selfish over my art.  Listened to Malcolm.  Felt sad over my lack of WG still.  Writing an email asking about my copy is beyond me.  Like, totally.  I get what I deserve.  No record.  No job.  No anything I want.  There is nothing left.  This mood will pass, it's just, at the moment, I'm at the end of my rope, where I deserve to be.



( 18 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 13th, 2009 04:52 pm (UTC)
you don't deserve anything to be shitty or rubbish ~ I don't even know you very well, but I believe that 100% - I don't believe that the suckiness and unfortunate events that happen to everyone is deserved by anyone!

And the illnesses you are going through, you certainly do not deserve, they are leeching the enjoyment out of everything you had left to enjoy, and now all you have are these problems and issues ~ but it's doing that TO you. It's not you, you're not choosing this.

I'm really proud that you felt able to do some calls and ask your friends for some love. I can't imagine being able to do that when I'm at my worst, so I really admire you!!!

honestly, when this mood passes, I want you to remember that you were fighting it all along, even when it had you pinned <33333333
Jun. 14th, 2009 01:59 pm (UTC)
Aww hun you are a love, supporting me when Pickles sadly passed on, it really shows a good quality in you. And it means an awful lot. I'm so sorry for your loss, I know some people don't get it and think it's just a pet, but I know how much animals mean and how important they are in our lives. Thank you for being there for me and I hope you feel better soon with Pickle's memory.
Thanks for the support, it's really kind of you and has really helped a lot. Luckily I'm feeling a bit better today, friends and sleep helped a lot!
Added you to MSN so hopefully speak to you soon, have a nice day xxxxxxxx
Jun. 13th, 2009 07:04 pm (UTC)
Just to let you know I'm thinking of you :o)

Huge *Hugs*
Jun. 14th, 2009 02:00 pm (UTC)
Aww thanks hun, that means a lot, you're so sweet. I hope you're doing ok, I get worried when I don't see you update for a while. Luckily I'm feeling a bit better today, thank you for the support, you're a star. xxxxxx
(Deleted comment)
Jun. 14th, 2009 01:57 pm (UTC)
Aww thanks babes, that is so true. Sometimes I have to make myself learn the hard way! I'm feeling a bit better today.
I got your letter, thank you so much! I'll reply this week for sure, thanks! xxxxxxx
Jun. 14th, 2009 02:02 am (UTC)
You need to accept that it's OK to feel shit sometimes Helen - you bottle it up so much you end up exploding and going on a real downer for days/weeks sometimes even months, i've noticed this about you and it worries me. You're very much deserving of support and love Helen - you give enough out each day at work you can't possible be expected to keep your own shit in.

I'm sorry i have no credit to text back but if it makes you feel any better you made me smile for the first time in a while - like truely smile, because i love you lots too and it also made me realise after our MSN chat how much i missed you too. We've not been very talkative lately and i miss exchanging texts between us - once i top up i'm going to give you a text a day to keep you smiling :)

Seriously though - you need to open up more. Have you been referred back to the MH Services yet/have they got back to you?!?
Don't keep it all in - even if it means you want to rant/moan pick my email address and vent/write away.
I love you loads babe - keep your chin up xx
Jun. 14th, 2009 01:56 pm (UTC)
Hi honey, aww thanks for the comment, that's very kind. I am feeling a bit better today luckily thanks to you and a good sleep. Everything changes doesn't it, nothing stays the same for very long in my head, there's too much mess in there!
I'm glad I made you smile, that's my one true pleasure in life. I will make sure I text you more too, need to top up on credit myself soon! I promise I'll find you on MSN again soon!
The MH services haven't got back to me, I'll check up on it when I see my amazing doc in 5 weeks time. I know these things take a while, and, believe it or not, they are actually even slower in Wales than in England! So, as I'm not an emergency or anything I've not really expected to see anything through yet. I'll let you know when I do though.
Thanks for the offer of ranting, it means a lot. I find it so hard to ask for help, but I will keep trying.
Love you loads too, lots of huggles xxxxxxx
Jun. 14th, 2009 08:41 am (UTC)
If it makes you feel better I spent my weekend inside doing housework with an anti social head full of snot. Rather constructive really. I found a card statement from 11 months ago I REALLY need for tax, my Very Hungry Caterpillar caterpillar (which was buried on the table under some 4 year old Cleo magazines (DON'T ASK)) and gave myself hayfever from all the dust I stirred up.

Pity the Crab Cave still looks as messy as it did Friday before I started :P
Jun. 14th, 2009 08:48 am (UTC)
Ummmm... that last post wasn't me by the way. Just someone with exactly the same writing style, vocab and sense of humour as me.


Not me at all. :)
Jun. 14th, 2009 01:51 pm (UTC)
Aww thanks hun, you're so good to me! I'm so sorry you're feeling rubbish, head colds are the worst, you just feel so drained and sick and unable to do anything! If I was closer I'd come round and tidy and clean your place for you, I'm sure it needs a girl's touch, men are notoriously rubbish at cleaning! Heehee, I'm sure you did a great job though, especially as you were feeling so rubbish at the time. Well done! I would like to hug your catapillar, so give it a squeeze from me! I loved that book as a child!
I'm feeling a bit better now, thank you.
Mwah xxxxxxxx
Jun. 16th, 2009 06:18 am (UTC)
Well as long as that girl's touch in regards to cleaning is a girl's touch on the controls of a small bulldozer I think it could work :)

I have unfortunately given up again now - which is pretty bad as now I have semi sorted piles of books and magazines all over the floor and walking around the place is slightly dangerous :)

My caterpillar is only a small one - so don't hug him too hard :)
Jun. 14th, 2009 10:57 am (UTC)
hey wonderful, sorry i haven't got back to your text but i've got no credit. you know that whenever your feeling shitty and low or even when you're not, you can call me and i'll make you laugh until your sides split :) i'm off out now with my family to the beach and to look at scooters/mopeds because i want one and my dad wants one. i look forward to talking to you soon, whether it be through MSN, phone or LJ :) thinking of you and hope today is brigther for you. know this, call me anytime, ok? you're not alone. and i know how you feel to an extent. and i just want you to know i'm here. and you are worth more than you know. without you i'd be a lot more lonley, and maybe i wouldn't be able to hold myself together as well. lots of love and mother fucking big hugsssssssssssssssssssssss! as for me, i'm fine. i enjoyed the day out having a few drinks and work was alright i suppose, didn't feel want to be there for some reason. but anyway, catch you later! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Jun. 14th, 2009 01:49 pm (UTC)
That's alright about the text honey, just whenever you've got credit give me a shout, I like our texts! I'm glad work went ok and you're alright as can be, you're a star. Thanks to all your kindness I feel better now, thank you. I've got no news really but I'll update my journal shortly with rantings.
Lots of love and hugs to you xxxxxxx
Jun. 14th, 2009 01:22 pm (UTC)
Like you said, the mood will pass.. just hang in there until it does. And it will, even though it might not seem like it sometimes.
Jun. 14th, 2009 01:47 pm (UTC)
Thanks hun, the mood did pass in the end, friends and sleep sorted me out! I appreciate the support and love, big hugs and hope you're ok xxxx
Jun. 14th, 2009 06:11 pm (UTC)
hey honey. i read you're feeling better today, which is great <3. but I wanted to say that I can probably copy WG for you and send it off in a few days, if you'd like? I know it's not the same as having a "real" copy but I figured it might temporarily cheer you up? I got mine from play.com too and it took an age to arrive, so maybe yours isn't lost after alll? xxx
Jun. 15th, 2009 11:35 am (UTC)
Hi hun,
My feeling better only lasted about 5 minutes, damn these stupid moods! But hey ho, such is life.
I'd love a copy of WG if it wouldn't be too much trouble for you, I don't want to put you out when you're so busy with uni. I've given up hope of mine ever arriving now, it's been over a week. I ordered it from the full time hobby store and their site is very unhelpful ("just ask the postman if you don't recieve it") so I give up!
Hope you're all well and happy, I love the idea of you doing boot sales, I'd love to have the confidence but no one would ever want my old shit or the rubbish I create! heehee!
Lots of love xxxxxxxxx
Jun. 15th, 2009 06:44 pm (UTC)
i'm sorry to hear that babes! <3 i am often thinking of you, i hope things get better soon. that's no problem about WG, i'll try and do it in the next few days and will let you know when it's on it's way. i don't know where the idea that you got it from play.com too came from now... oh well! that is a pain.

aw, i'm sure people would like what you create!

remember if you ever want a we holiday scotland (or at least my flat!) is waiting xxxx
( 18 comments — Leave a comment )