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Thank you to everyone who answered my post yesterday, really, I know I've thanked you all individually, but it really means so much.  I think a bit of kindness is all I need sometimes.  It means a lot that you're all there for me and care.  Thank you from the bottom of my cold dead heart.
Things are better for me today, I've been able to do things other than cry and distract myself.  My friends K, N and my sister came over yesterday night and we got wrecked.  I had to put on a mask and laugh and all that, but it was a great distraction and I got lots of hugs and it cheered me up.  Then I went to bed and had a long sleep and woke up in a better mood.  I dreamed the plot of a novel that was interesting.  Then I walked down the supermarket in the sunshine with L and spoke to my mum on the phone.  My poor dad's still in hospital, they won't let him out because his bloods are all up the creek and he's had a blood clot, so she's pretty annoyed and sad.  He'll be ok, and hopefully he'll be out tomorrow or something. 
I'm glad things feel better, I've been mostly hanging around the house, sweeping and writing and I did a wordsearch.  Just need something to fill up the days really.  Hopefully I'll get some work somewhere this week so I feel less bored and at a loose end.  I was brought up to believe that you always work, regardless.  I was never allowed days off school if I was ill, I had to go in unless I was so sick I really couldn't manage it, and both my parents always worked and never took a day off.  Now I feel guilty if I don't spend every day doing something like education or work.  I think it's why I clean so much when I'm off, because then I still feel like I'm working.  It's been driven into me from childhood.  Even as a teenager, I went to gigs and got drunk, but I could do whatever I wanted, so long as I was up at 6 to go to college the next day.  It's made me into a very committed worker but the guilt of having spare time does get too bad, it hurts.
Still haven't finished Hannibal Rising, been unable to concentrate the last few days.  I'll crack on this evening I think. Days are for working, evenings are for doing what I enjoy.
Nothing else to add really, life's the same old same old, but I do feel better, less tearful, less like the world is on my skinny shoulders and generally more able to cope with the pressures of life, and that's in part at least thanks to you lovely people, so many thanks.


( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 15th, 2009 11:40 pm (UTC)
Hi sweetheart Helen:

I'm so glad you're feeling slightly better. I'll be thinking of you and your family extra hard this week, in hopes of things becoming much, much better for the whole lot of you!

Also, I got your letter today! So funny, because all day I had a sensation that I would come to a letter from you:) I can't wait to listen to the Jeffrey Lewis album, thanks so much! Lots of hugs and I'll try writing you a letter back soon.
Jun. 16th, 2009 10:44 am (UTC)
hey you i have written you a letter and i will be sending it off in the post tomorrow morning.

hope that your having a good a day and making the most of the sunny weather.

much love xxxxx
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )